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Ask me shit! About the author: MjH grew up in the suburbs of Encino, CA, born into a family of hilarious Jews. His mother, a witty New Yorker with a sharp tongue, set the bar pretty high in terms of what he looks for in a wife/Jewess/sport-fucking buddy. His father, a St. Louis cowboy at heart, reined him in as a child, only having to wash out his mouth with soap once during his early years.

Single, still wearing glasses and forever ready to attack a vagina with chopsticks, our "author" in question finds himself thoroughly concerned with finding a wife, but more importantly, a bitch to lay with in the meantime.

Oh, and he also wants you to know that he once schtupped a dame at DIVE! in Century City back in '99.

Copyright 2009-2010 BlackBerry Jew Squeeze

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bedbathandbeyonce asked: What's a deal breaker for you when you're on a date with a girl...is there something that girls always do that make you not want to schtup them?

This is a great question, and I will answer it honestly. There are a few things a girl can do to make me turned off from them completely:

1) Try to talk shop aka talk about Hollywood/work in bed. That’s just a game-changer. I have to spend 12 hours a day talking about this crap, after a schtup the last thing I wanna hear is a girl sounding like Turtle.

2) Nasty/not pedicured toes. I’m sorry, man. Seacrest and Luda agree. Vamp, Red, Pink, Blue, I don’t care. As long as your hands and feet be flossin’. The reason: if you don’t care about your nails, than you aren’t going to care about your vagina, or its upkeep for that matter.

3) If you’ve never heard of Swingers or 3 Ninjas

4) You don’t have to smoke weed, but if you give me shit for doing so, especially considering the highly productive work week I have, you can suck a dick…just not mine.

5) Finally, I can’t stand girls who act entitled. I grew up in LA…in the Valley…if you sound like Cher Horowitz in Clueless but aren’t half as hot…shut the fuck up.


February 8

ninthstory asked: Would you If given the opportunity, schtup Nicki Minaj?

Yo, ninthstory, nice blog…glad to know I’m providing 70% of the content on your blog, unquoted, unlinked, unreferenced. You can steal pictures on Tumblr but NOT MY WORDS, man. At least give credit where it’s due! You’re like James Frey only lazier.

ANYWAY, would I schtup Nicki Minaj - yeah, why not. I could use some color in my crayola box.


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girlswithcameras: Nothing Compares. Nothing. NOTHING compares. 2 u .

girlswithcameras:

Nothing Compares.

Nothing.

NOTHING compares.

2 u .


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babes with cameras
(via movieoftheday) Sweet fucking Christ, if I wasn’t in a shitstorm at the office I’d write you an essay on the depths of my heterosexuality based on my unrequited love with Anna Chlumsky. However, for now, I’ll just let you look at these photos of her and Mac before he got all wierd.

(via movieoftheday)

Sweet fucking Christ, if I wasn’t in a shitstorm at the office I’d write you an essay on the depths of my heterosexuality based on my unrequited love with Anna Chlumsky. However, for now, I’ll just let you look at these photos of her and Mac before he got all wierd.


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my girl
Juliet, why thou gotta be such a prude ass bitch? For Serious, Mercut, my n**** this gat be heavier than a motherfucker, son! Look at this bald pink ass head on Jamie Kennedy lookin’ mofucka. Ya’all wanna hit Wendy’s? I’m illin’ for a milkshake like WHOA. Thou down? Down like a Capulet, my white n****.

Juliet, why thou gotta be such a prude ass bitch? For Serious, Mercut, my n**** this gat be heavier than a motherfucker, son! Look at this bald pink ass head on Jamie Kennedy lookin’ mofucka.

Ya’all wanna hit Wendy’s? I’m illin’ for a milkshake like WHOA. Thou down?

Down like a Capulet, my white n****.


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rome and juliet baz luhrman

The Cure - A Forest


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the cure tunes vids
I had this for dessert on Friday night. It pairs well with a nice apertif of Budweiser, Tums, eighth of marijuana, and High Fidelity.

I had this for dessert on Friday night. It pairs well with a nice apertif of Budweiser, Tums, eighth of marijuana, and High Fidelity.


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want to schtup

If I was in 7th grade, I’d have a pop-punk band called Punk Floyd.

Happy Monday.


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pink floyd
[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]

Eminem - Same Song & Dance

I know, I know. Eminem. I can’t help that I’ve enjoyed his music since the 8th grade. ENCORE was garbage, but RELAPSE is pretty on point. He’s an amazing poet.

This is my fave song off the new (read: 8 months old) record.  It’s about killing Lindsay Lohan.


February 7
eminem

Matthew James - Womanizer


February 6
womanizer